Dragonflies symbolizes change, transformation, adaptability, and self-realization. They symbolize maturity and the ability to see the deeper meaning of life. Furthermore, they are also known to symbolize joy and lightness, emotional depth, and wisdom. Dragonflies are amazing creatures who help us to understand the importance of life and living life to the fullest.
I am wearing a new dragonfly ring – one that I bought to wear as I write my story to forward on to my lawyer as we prepare for a 10-day trial starting in the next few months. I bought this ring to allow me to dig deep, to honour my younger self as I tell my story of why/how I ended up with an abusive man when I was 16 years old, and he was 22. Why I ended up leaving home at 17 to go live with him. Why I ended up living with him for 28 years, compensating for him and his horrible behaviour.
You see, this is difficult to write about. It’s difficult to dig deep. I tend to look at things from the surface only and not dig deep because digging deep is hard. Really hard. That’s where the emotions are. The hurt. The young girl who really knew nothing better. The young girl who longed for love. The young girl who didn’t understand that abuse was more than just physical. The young girl who wanted the “happily ever after” and didn’t want to settle for anything else (or be the “cause” of a break up).
I told my then husband I wanted a divorce almost 4 years ago. 4 years ago. It’s so crazy to me that it has been almost 4 years since that conversation that evening after I put our three children to bed (they were 5, 8 and 11 years old). What I didn’t really understand then though was that he is a narcissist. As a result, this was going to be a very long, hard, tumultuous journey. I didn’t know. I truly had no idea. I just wanted to be happy again. I wanted to rediscover myself – my likes and dislikes. I wanted to live. I didn’t want to walk on egg shells any longer. I wanted peace. Joy. Happiness. I wanted to be free. I wanted independence. I wanted to feel loved.
Not many would truly understand the depth of crazy, the depth of insanity, the depth of abuse – not just from him, but from the system, and the depth of despair that this journey brings. Well, most wouldn’t understand, unless you have been in a relationship with a narcissist and tried to get out of that relationship. Then, and likely only then, would you truly understand. It’s awful, to say the least.
As we prepare for trial, my lawyer has asked that I write him a chronology of my relationship with the man I look forward to being able to call my ex-husband. After spending some time writing that chronology, I plan on doing a bit of a cleanse by writing a bit here afterwards. A positive space to talk about my journey. Our journey.
This space is not just about my journey away from an abusive relationship, it is also about how fortunate I am to have been journeying back to love – my first love, the man I am so grateful to share life with now. I have been so fortunate to have him be by my side throughout this journey. I am not sure what I would have done without his never-ending love and constant support.
My name is Ruby. His name is Teller. We will both be blogging about our journey to love here.
Welcome to our blog.
It’s a Long Way Out.